​Humans are wired for connection.
When our brains aren’t on task, they switch immediately to social thought. We imagine, rehearse, reflect, compare, worry and wonder about the social world and our place in it. And if we’re not thinking socially, we’re probably talking socially. As much as 70% of the content of human conversation is social in nature.
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Our social and biological evolution are deeply entwined. While deliberate solitude can be restorative, being alone is generally an aversive state for humans.
Just as hunger and thirst signal us to seek food and water, loneliness signals us to seek the company of others. But this signal can get ‘jammed’ and dysregulated, working against our best interests.
The stress response triggered by disconnection can prompt a ‘move away’ threat response, instead of a ‘move towards’ reward response.
If the stress of disconnection becomes chronic, the allostatic load or ‘wear and tear’ on our bodies accumulates with cascading and compounding impacts on our biology, psychology and behaviour.
The associated impacts scale up (and down) from cells to societies, manifesting as epidemic levels of loneliness, mental and physical ill-health, and widespread distrust and polarisation. Change is resisted and the status quo prevails as we guard against perceived threats and losses.
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Neuroimaging shows we perceive social pain and physical pain through the same neural circuits.
Our implicit understanding of this connection is revealed through our intuitive choice of metaphor. We routinely use the language of physical pain to describe social pain.
Relationships, like muscles and bones, can be strained and stretched, fractured and broken. Feelings are hurt and bruised. Pride and egos are wounded.
We also evoke our lived sensorial experience of the physical landscape to describe social distance and proximity, disconnection and connection: there are barriers, gaps, chasms and voids in relationships; but also bridges, crossings, stepping stones and pathways.
Further, we draw on our tactile experiences of woven materials to convey a sense of interdependence. Communities can be tight-knit or have loose threads; social fabrics can be ripped or repaired, and of course, we craft stories and spin yarns as we weave our shared narrative of social interconnection and the ties that bind.
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Connection is derived from the Latin connectere: con- (together) and nectere (to bind). 'Binding', as distinct from merely 'bringing' things together, reminds us that connections need to be made and nurtured with intention and awareness to catalyse something different; a change.
Connection relieves us from the stress of loneliness, isolation and exclusion. The sympathetic nervous system is deactivated, homoeostasis returns, curiosity and compassion replace panic and hypervigilance.
Again, the effects scale up (and down) from cells to societies. Together we plan, share, create, learn, build, innovate and explore. Change is embraced and the status quo crumbles as we come together in shared purpose and momentum.
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Connected people and communities are more resilient; they are better able to cope with shocks and disruptions and continue to function in desired ways.
But connection is not always desirable or healthy. Tribalism arises when ‘not them’ defines our idea of ‘us’. Misinformation spreads quickly in hyper-connected systems and the allure of connection through shared beliefs and identity readily becomes more important than truth.
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There is much for changemakers to learn and apply from the biology and psychology of connection, including how connection is expressed, activated and influenced by language.
Connection and inclusion deserve deliberate focused attention and effort in any changemaking strategy or initiative.
Bringing people together in the shared purpose of positive change lifts us up and out of survival mode. It energises and elevates, connecting us to other people, new ideas, different perspectives, a sense of purpose, reverence for place and nature, and the needs and rights of future generations.
Start messages with widely shared values around kindness, fairness, curiosity and compassion to orientate audiences towards collective greater good thinking and the possibilities inherent in change. Starting with such values emphasises commonalities, not differences. It builds affinity and generates connectedness.
The frame you start with influences the thinking that follows. The more we see, hear and think aligned to a given values orientation, the more that mindset and motivation feels like common sense. Neurons that fire together, wire together. It’s how we see the world.
How we message is how we go forward. Community, kindness, empathy, service, creativity and fairness frames will create positive connected futures, whereas individualism, fear and scarcity frames can only disconnect and divide.
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Go Deeper
Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human nature and the need for social connection. W. W. Norton & Company.
Eisenberger, N. I. (2012). The pain of social disconnection: Examining the shared neural underpinnings of physical and social pain. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 13(6), 421-434.
Holt-Lunstad, J. (2021). The major health implications of social connection. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 30(3), 251-259.
Lieberman, M. D. (2013). Social: Why our brains are wired to connect. Crown.
Murthy, V. H. (2020). Together: The healing power of human connection in a sometimes lonely world. Harper Wave.
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2023). Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General's Advisory on the healing effects of social connection and community. Office of the Surgeon General.
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© Trudi Ryan, Words for Change
wordsforchange.com.au/connection
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